TABLE OF CONTENTS:
WHAT IS THIS GARBAGE THEY ARE PLAYING ON THE RADIO?!?! - by Bart Tharner
Bad High-School Experience Boy - by Wee Thomas
Interview with William Francis, Guitarist of L.I.V. (Tyler) In The Universe - by Tim Firkus
The Elastic Spaceman - by Wee Thomas
Two Guys From Orlando Bands Discuss Music - by Steve Scholls & Ernest Anvoy
The Retired Embalming Fluid Salesman - by Wee Thomas
Me and My Boat - by The Garbage Man
Planet of Harmonicas - by Wee Thomas
Tragic Flaws Inherent In The Graphical Design Of The Cover Of Carl Sagan's Book, Contact - by Dr. Lloyd Miller, Art Critic
Owl Who Shits Blood When Excited - by Wee Thomas
Interview With A Girl Who's Dating The Bass Player Of A Band - by John Silverman
On The Happy Planet Of Death - by Wee Thomas
HAIKU! - by Captain Coppertop
No Mail - by Hoohan
Eric, The Sheltered Adolescent, Writes A Letter To His Big Brother, Brian, About The Movie Affliction - by Eric
The Young exis-TENTIALS, by Wee Thomas
THAT'S MY JOB! - by Bert Renswick
I Am Still Just A Train - By Hoohan
MP3 Reviews - by Butch
Credits

WHAT IS THIS GARBAGE
THEY ARE PLAYING
ON THE RADIO?!?!
by Bart Tharner

Once again, my friends, I find it necessary to share with you my grievances against a world surely gone mad. WHAT IS THIS GARBAGE THEY'RE PLAYING ON THE RADIO?  As a hard-rocking fan of hard rock, I try to keep up with the new swing--but this shit has got to go!!  Let's start off with the newest on my hit list:

Creed: Y'know, they'd be pretty good songs, if he didn't sing like that. Now I know I just sound like some old fart, but what is he getting out of singing like that?  It can't be for originality's sake, because then there's the public existence of Scott Wieland and Eddie Vedder for the past 7 years that needs to be explained.  But oh, I so quickly forget--no one in Creed's target audience remember who those singers are!  They're 'old' people's music now.  Here in the late 90s, we can't look back to 91-92 without a shiver or a scream.  What is it about that period that makes us feel so ashamed?  It can't be traditional youthful wide-eyed optimism that the now twenty-somethings are ashamed of, because there WASN'T any optimism. Every song was about "Agh, my pain!" or "My dad hit me!" or "There is no chance anyone will ever understand me, it's all over."  But the Creed singer seems to be putting the lid on it when he asks "What is this life for?" That's good stuff: a clever move with a stellar groove.  He just doesn't need to sing like that (he's ruining his throat).

Shawn Mullins:  "Rockabye" What the fuck is this shit about?  Who put this on the air?  I really think that it's 'all over.'  First off, the piano in this song sounds like it's meant to be in another song, so much so that when I heard this song on my car radio for the first time, I thought I was picking up two stations at the same time. But an interesting thing: I eventually noticed that the chords for this song's verses are the same for the Creed song's chorus; so now when I'm bored I just sing the Creed lyrics over the Shawn Mullins verse part: "What is this life FORRRRRRRRRRR?????", except you gotta draw it out a little longer to make it fit.  It's great fun, I suggest that you try it.   Just call that "A Shawn Mullins listening suggestion."  By the way, I'm still waiting for this guy's second single.  What, does he only have one song or something?

And by the way Shawn, if I may call you Shawn, and if anyone knows Shawn they can deliver this message to him please:  Why exactly is everything going to be 'all right'?  You sorta forget to tell us that part.  All you say is "Rockabye."  That doesn't mean anything.  No really, it doesn't.  I've never heard of any instances where saying "rockabye" has fixed anything.  Is it supposed to be something we're not spiritualized enough to understand? Because we haven't seen the way female fifteen year-olds look at you, in the clubs, with your surgically-applied facial hair?  And about the girl in your song: sounds a lot like the girls I used to meet in my fashion photography days.  Quick tip Shawn: don't try to fix them.  Three chords and 5 minutes don't mend twenty years of "Uncle Phil Damage," or whatever.  Til next week!

[Bart Tharner (1963-98) was killed last year while profiling Busta Rhymes for the November issue.  This is one of several pieces he left behind.]

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By Wee Thomas

INTERVIEW  WITH WILLIAM  FRANCIS, CONTROVERSIAL GUITARIST OF L.I.V.  (Tyler)  In  The  Universe By Tim Firkus

How many times have you been in the studio since you were shot last year?
(polishing off the last of a flask of brandy) Five times.  I'd say this is about the fifth time we've tried to get this [album] going.   The first three or four times we couldn't get the sound right.  There were a few sonic textures that I felt were missing from the mix.  So we'd scrap the tapes and part ways and a few weeks later we'd start over.

Was there anything particular you were going for this record?
Well I was definitely trying to go back to my roots.  I remember what I started out to do with LIV ... In The Universe, and it's so far from what we wound up doing it's not even worth mentioning.  But I had accumulated some demos from my early years as a solo performer; unfortunately those were all destroyed in the flood last year of my home in Chile.  But thankfully I had mailed some rough versions to my manager in France a few weeks earlier, so we were able to reconstruct the songs with very little quality lost.

That's great to hear.  Were any of these songs intended for release on the proposed new LIV album we heard about last year?
No, these songs were always intended to be separate.  I think there's only so much you can do as a band, 4 guys in a room.  Three actually [Two].

No members of your band LIV Tyler In The Universe appear on this record.  Was there a reason for this?
Uhhh, I don't think so; nothing apart from what I've already noted.  Millard was busying himself with other things, planning a solo tour, and was unavailable at the time we did the last sessions--the ones that appeared on this album.  I'd be certainly willingly to play with him again--In fact, we're trying to get some time together this summer to go over live material for a possible 'live' LIV album.  That wouldn't be ready til this fall though.

Excellent.  Now, I 've read on the website that there had been a separate William Francis solo album (Driving and Smoking Cigarettes) slated for release last fall.  Why didn't that get released?
(appearing slightly dazed) Uhhh, that actually, that was actually shelved for reasons that had nothing to do with me.   It went out to the pressing plant about two weeks after we recorded it, which is record time for anyone associated with my band.  That must have been mid August 1998, because flying back from the studio in Alberta I was arrested for drug possession, so yeah, late August.  So it went out to radio, about 30,000 copies, but something went wrong with a track called "There's Something In Chula, Georgia".  People had seizures each time that song was played.  So they send back the copies and of course I'm to blame.  I think a Ukrainian label was offering bootlegs on line at one point, and some people in Nova Scotia also.  We're real big over in the Ukraine.  You know, communists.

Uh huh.  And that album was a chronicle of 5 days you spent driving back and forth between south Florida and Atlanta?
Uh-huh.

What did you do in Atlanta?
Ate breakfast.  Checked it out.  Hung around at the Cyberstache (http://www.cyberstache.com).

What were you looking for there?
Eggs benedict.  I told you, breakfast.   But I don't want to talk about that album, I want to talk about THIS album.

Sure.  Now, the track "Bourbon Contralto" is the first off the new album to go to radio.  Tell us about that song.
Yes.  That song actually dates back to the years I spent working in food service.  I used to work as a grocer, and this woman would always come in, this real Gloria Swanson / Bette Davis in All About Eve type.  Very elegant and superbly dressed in furs and velvet dresses.  She'd come around nearly every day during the summer, and wander around all day til we closed up.  I guess cause it was summer, and she was in Florida, and she didn't have any grandkids to visit with or anything, so she hung out with the fruit.  Well, it was always like 85 degrees out because it was an outdoor market, and she'd get woozy after a half hour and pass out because of all her clothes, and usually barf on most of the produce.  We'd have to drag her into the stock room where we had a  cot  made up and resuscitate her.  Anyway, she always had a real sort of liquor smell on her, and one of our cashiers was nicknamed 'Contralto'.  That just sort of stuck in my head as a combination.  Plus I was eating a bunch of Rolaids every morning before I came to work, about three rolls a day, so I kind of hallucinated one time and saw this flask of bourbon singing.

Is that true?
I think so.

How old were you?
That was in middle school.

Uh-huh.  And where did you get the idea for the tuba sounds on "Banana In A Hatcheck Room"?
I don't remember that song being on the album.

It says here it's track 24.
No, I didn't approve that song's inclusion.

Okay.  But I have it right here on my promotional copy.
[At this point a fight breaks out between Francis and his manager.  Francis is sedated and I am told that the interview must be cut short.  Look for William Francis' new solo album Get Me The Hell Out Of Here I Am Unable To Stand this month from Aunt Eye Records.  It's available from the website http://members.tripod.com/~Aunt_Eye  Photos of William Francis were taken during the interview but later burned by the artist's publicist.  The photo appearing at top was supplied by the artist' s label, and is of undetermined age.]

TWO GUYS FROM ORLANDO BANDS DISCUSS MUSIC By Steve Scholls & Ernest Anvoy

Steve Scholls is bassist for Winter Park's Lady Under Submarine.  He and Driving Machine's Ernest Anvoy met at Ann's Deli for sandwiches, and this interview:

E: Hey Steve, what's up?
S: Chillin man, chillin.  What you been up to?
E: Nothin much.  You ordering the special?
S: Yeah, I got it the Deli Club.  It's the only way to go here at Ann's.
E: Straight.  I think I'll go with the veggie max.  I'm kickin the vegan tip this week.
S: Straight, I heard that.
(Later)
E: So what you been diggin lately, dogg?
S: I don't know about you, but I been diggin that new Lenny Kravitz joint all spring man.
E: True, true.  I hear that.  That joint is straight.
S: Wicked wicked straight.  I could burn that shit al night bro.
E: What you diggin the most?
S: I'd have to say that song "Fly," the first single; that shit is the bomb right there.
E: True, that song's straight.
S: Yeah; I mean who hasn't wanted to just fly away ever, y'know what I'm sayin?
E: Yep, that's just just what I was thinkin.  What else you been kickin it to?
S: I have to say Sugar Ray's first album.  That song "Fly" especially.
E: The first single?
S: Yeah, that's the bomb.
E: Damn straight.  I used to play my copy on the way to a gig, til it got stolen.
S: Oh, somebody swiped it?
E: Right through my mom's Lexus' window.
S: Aw shit.   Man, I couldn't deal with that.
E: Damn straight.  It's hard.  I gotta hand it to those guys, they got a flow with comin up with lyrics.
S: True that,.  That's straight.
E: "I -I-I-I-I-I-I just wanna fly-y-y," . . . who has felt that way, y'know dog.
S: True, true.  That's straight.
E: What you heard that's been the shittiest track you've heard this year?
S: That has to be that new Offspring joint, "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)."
E: Damn, you know that's true!
S: I mean yo, what do those guys know about fuckin Miami?  They're from the fuckin west beach. You know what I'm sayin?
E: True man.  I can dig it.
S: Hey I gotta pick my sister up from soccer.
E: Alright; I'm gonna check out what new games they got at Media Play.
S: Awright dogg.  Street hockey next week?
E: You fuckin know it.  Yo, thanks for sketchin with me today.
S: No problem; we just doin our thing bro.  You know what I'm sayin?
E: Straight dog.  Y'know that's straight.

[More music will be discussed next issue, when two different Orlando musicians eat food and discuss their favorite songs.]

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By Wee Thomas

This is a story about me and my boat.  I found it washed up on the beach ten years ago.  I didn't know where I could go with it, but it bothered me that no one wanted to go for a ride in my boat with me.  It was a nice little boat.  Simply made, but shit, it floated.  When I asked my friends why they didn't want to get on my boat, they told me, "Your boat sucks.  After I go to a place for four years or so, I'll have enough money to buy a boat that's much bigger than yours.  Ha-ha.  Loser."  I felt a bit sad and lonely, but I figured I already had a neato little boat, and what is the point in spending 4 years to get a bigger one, I can just get in this one right here, plus it's free.  And I LIKE my boat.  So then everyone went away for a long time.  It was just me and my boat for several years.  I had a lot of fun, riding around in my boat.

Once day I realized that 4 years had passed, so I docked my boat and went looking for my old friends.  Some were in prison, others were addicted to drugs, most were deep in debt for paying to live in a place for 4 years, a few had children they didn't want, and much to my surprise, NONE OF THEM HAD BOATS!  What happened?  Oops!  Something must have gone wrong!  Oh, no!

Above:  My Boat.

TRAGIC FLAWS INHERENT IN  THE GRAPHICAL DESIGN OF THE COVER OF CARL SAGANíS BOOK,  CONTACT by Dr. Lloyd Miller Art Critic

Hello again, everyone. It's been a long time since we last talked; but I have been so busy with my part-time hobby of offering my unsolicited advice and criticism to several local young artists via telephone, that I have had very little time to step foot outside of my office!  However, last week I finally made a trip up to Barnes & Noble, and let me tell you, I was quite appalled at what I found!

A good friend of mine (and a very hard working American), Nancy, recommended that I rush right out and purchase a paperback copy of Carl Sagan's Contact.  I took her advice, as she reads an abundance of paperbacks, and generally has an objective opinion.  How wrong I was in trusting her!  There are so many elements that disturbed me, that I simply do not know where to begin!  Perhaps I should highlight a few of the honestly good points before I tear it to shreds (as I am morally obligated to do)...

Probably the most redeeming quality of this work is the graphical strip (1.75 inches wide x 7.75 inches tall) on the left side of the face (although inconveniently located near the spine -- now where is the reader to firmly grip the book?!) featuring a romantic, slightly pensive rendering of Matthew McConaughey and Jodie Foster staring off into the unknown near several satellite array dishes, (which are used in the book for receiving mathematical signals from extra-terrestrials.)  This strip utilizes a brilliant and yet simple three-color scheme consisting of blue, black, and white (assuming we are to consider white a color -- any true graphic artist must not overlook its usefulness!)

I noticed, however, that the space above the clouds in the night sky simply does not make me feel that the artist knew anything about outer-space.  Where are the Meteors?  Planets?  Rings of Saturn?  (Even The Doses were wise enough to mention these in passing) Space ships equipped with laser-beams engaged in an interstellar battle? Nothing along these lines are portrayed in this conception, and I find this to be unimaginative and shameful, showing the narrow-mindedness of this so-called graphic artist.  For if there is nothing but stars in outer space, where are these profound messages coming from?  If we cannot integrate the visual and the textual elements of a paperback book, the reader will be left confused, and will no longer trust in spending their hard-earned dollars.  This cannot happen if we, as artists, hope to survive financially.  We must NEVER mislead our loyal audience.

The remaining text-panel on the right side of the cover (2.375 inches wide x 7.75 inches tall) was definitely this work's downfall.  A tragic flaw I first noticed upon approaching the book was the inconsistency in point-size.  In the name Matthew McConaughey, the two M's are different sizes!  The human brain must not be required to strain to read even a simple name on the cover.  However, one of the more visually horrifying aspects of this panel is the amount of space above and below the title, "Contact."  (1.25 inches above, 1 inch below!)  This is simply disproportionate.  How the graphic designer could have overlooked the most crucial of this books elements/themes (SPACE!) is beyond me; it is because of this fact that cannot be taken seriously as TRUE graphic designers.

The back cover was no exception to this blatant sloppiness.  For example, above the shouted, all-caps quote, "DAZZLING... CONTACT BECOMES THE GREATEST ADVENTURE OF ALL TIME." - Associated Press I found .25 inches of space, and below I found .6 inches.  This obvious disregard for SPACE (which the damn book is about) has just cost Carl Sagan a loyal fan.  If carelessness of this kind is shown ON THE COVER, imagine how inconsistent, messy, and scatterbrained his writing must be!  And to think, someone in the U.S.A. had the nerve to run this through their printing press...I hereby withdraw my moral sanction!

Ever wondered what it's like to be a girl who's dating the bass player of a band?  I always have.  In this exclusive interview, I dig deep into the seat of the soul of a girl who's dating the bass player of a band.  And I found out some pretty interesting things about a girl who's dating the bass player of a band.  Since I'd never interviewed a girl who's dating the bass player of a band before, I was a little nervous at first, and didn't know how it would go.  But I found out some pretty interesting things about a girl who's dating the bass player of a band.

So how did you hook up with the bass player of a band?
I was with him before he became the bass player of a band.

Cool, so you weren't a groupie or anything like that?
[Pauses] Is this an interview?

Yeah.  So what's it like dating the bass player of a band, do you have to pay for his meals?
No, I don't pay for his meals. He still pays for mine.

That's cool.  Is that weird when they play and girls wanna meet him [the bass player of a band]?
No. Cause he keeps me on his arm when he meets them. He introduces me to them. So they know he's taken.

So is that gonna be weird when you get married and he [the bass player of a band] goes off on tour for like 11 months, and you're stuck with the kids and answering emails from wacko teenagers?
That's not how it's gonna go. I won't have kids if he's touring. No way. Besides he won't put the band above me. We've already talked about priorities.

Does his band agree with that?  That can be hard for the rest of the guys to deal with
sometimes.
Well the drummer is already married -- so I think he understands.  The lead singer is going through a divorce because he chose the band over her.  And the guitar player is in love with his step sister.

Wow.
Crazy people in this band when it comes to love.

Yeah.  Hey, I've gotta go meet my friend.
OK. I'll talk with you later.

See ya.
Bye!

ERIC, THE SHELTERED ADOLESCENT,
WRITES A LETTER TO HIS BIG BROTHER,
BRIAN ABOUT THE MOVIE AFFLICTION.

Dear Brian,

What's up?  Not much up here.  Still in sunny Florda.  Are you freezing your butt off up in ohio.  Me and Jack went to this really weird little movie theater in downstown Sarasota yesterday, called Burns Court.  Oh god it was weird.  I never heard of any of the movies before!  But we were board so we buy our tickets for a movie called Afflication (Nick Nolty was in it, I liked him in that one gun movie we saw with Pat and Andrew), and we go into the lobby.  You're not gonna believe this instead of Lemondrops and Gummi-Bears, they sold these things called Biskotties they were like little coffee crackers with chocolate on them.  Nasty!  And like, all this weird tea stuff.  And it all had gold foil, and a lot of it was named after Italian language things.  I guess it is like, for rich people or something? (I bet Suzie would love it! rich bitch.)  So then we went into the theater, and it was so tiny!  The seats were super worn out, uncomftarble.  I don't know why they don't just go buy some nicer stuff, cuz if rich people shop there, it's like, hello...it's like a condatraction or whatever it's called.  So it was really little and clostrafobic in there, and it was all full of people like the ones we see at the art shows sometimes.  Know what I mean?  They were wearing black turtelnecks. I think it's called Goth, right?  Like that girl Enigma you went out with.  and acted all serious.  So the movie came on, and it was SOOOOOOO boring.  It just had all this nice music playing during parts that weren't nice, and the movie didn't even have a hero, cuz there was no bad guy either.  And everyone was drinking alcahol the whole time.  Totally dumb.  The cop in it even smoked drugs (condatraction again, that's two!) and it was just so stupid.  Made no sense!  Then he has this toothache all the way through the movie, until the middle part of it where he decides to pull it out with visegrips.  You know how Mrs. Parcelli talks about that Symbalism stuff in English?  I thought it was one of those, but I guess it wasn't, cuz it really had nothing to do with the movie.  What is with that???  They spent all money $$$ on this movie, and then put stuff in that didn't make sense.  No wonder its playing at this little hole in the wall!!!  Something like that would NEVER play at the Hollywood 20.  don't go and see it!  Did you get to see Saving Private Ryan yet?  I heard it was stupid.  Say hi to mom.

Write me back!

Your little brother, Eric.

THAT'S MY JOB! by Bert Renswick Stage Director  for Kiln This month: Abracadabra!

You see, one of my most important things I have learned over the years is:

ABRACADABRA!

To me, that is the first commandment.  Never forget that!  Now...you're wondering...Bert, what the hell are you talking about?  Well, I'll tell you!  That's my job!  You see:  I consider myself to be a MAGICIAN.  This is crucial.  Check this out:

As the audience walks into the hall / club, the band must NOT be on the stage, or anywhere in sight.  They must be BACKSTAGE, doing other things (i.e. drinking bottled water, wearing laminates, chatting, wiping their hands with small white towels, eating vegetables and bread!)  Imagine if you walked into the hall / club, and there's Les Claypool, on stage, hanging out, putting on his socks, having a sandwich, stringing his bass, playing video games, watching Pee-Wee Herman movies, 20 minutes before the show, in plain view!  THIS WOULD NOT WORK!  See?  Everyone would wonder who the hell that GUY is up there, eating a sandwich and putting his socks on!  [Note:  This is OK for certain mediums such as performance art.  But who cares?  The audience wants MAGIC, not a bunch of guys lounging around.]

Now once the DJ'd music has ceased, it's very important that the lights be turned off in the hall.  The only lights allowed at this point is from the front of house and the backline.  Smoke helps, too, cuz it makes the audience feel like they are about to blast off into outerspace...and it helps hide the musicians until the lights go on.  DO NOT MAKE IT TOO DARK.  The kids in the front row must still be able to make out the silhouettes as they walk across the stage, so they can start doing that "wooooooooo!" sound, which helps everyone know the show is starting.

Once the lights are on and the music starts, the rest of the show is immaterial, as far as I am concerned.  EXCEPT FOR ONE THING.  THE ENCORE.  Bert...what are you talking about, you ask?  The encore is the single most important element of the entire stage show!  Get with the program!  Why?

ABRACADABRA!  It's where the magic happens!  It's the moment where the band DISAPPEARS for a brief time [they often go backstage and do backstage things, as mentioned before, but for not as long, and are more sweaty], during which the audience is scared they will not come back! Ooooh - ahhhhh!  I love it!  Drives them crazy every time!  "Oh, please come back and play one more song!  Please...my mom told me I have to be home by midnight!"  In my 15 years touring the world as a stage director, it's one of the most successful tricks I have ever pulled over on an audience -- and it ALWAYS works!  Wanna know why?!?  Do ya!??!  I'll tell you!  That's my job!

Commandment #2:  On every album, there is only one good song.  The band must play this song as the encore.

That's killing two birds with one stone, isn't it?  It's like these kids come to a concert, the band plays a bunch of songs they have never heard, and then...woops!  The show is over, goodnight!  Hahahah!  They kids are like, "They never played the good song!  Oh, well...better luck next time!  But wait, the guitar tech is retuning the guitar!  Could this mean....why haven't the hall lights come back on?  I think they might...oh, my gosh the front row is cheering again....THEY'RE BACK!  Yay!  I wonder what song they will play!  OHMYGODIT'STHESINGLE!!!!!!!"

I'm telling you, try it sometime.  You won't believe the results you get.  Until next month...see you at the show!

ï ï ï

[Bert Renswick is 35 and has toured the world hundreds of times with rock bands, most recently with Kiln, who are famous for their single, "I Have Bad Posture" which has, to date, sold over 17 million copies and earned them nothing but fame.  We are honored that Bert is willing to offer his advice and expertise!]

blue number nine - "Hook In" - A surprisingly good white funk number. Well-executed bass line, excellent vocals, and unobtrusive lyrics make this listenable and radio-ready.  Low points are the song's intro (too long, too much flute) and a hi-hat-heavy mix.  Overall, the band sounds upbeat and stays together well.  While the song isn't exactly Deep, it's fun and non-offensive -- which is more than I can say for most artists appearing on mp3.com. Download it at: http://www.mp3.com/bnn

The Schizophrenic Lo Fidelity Orchestra - "I" - Not as disappointing as most material on mp3.com, but this song still has problems.  For one thing, the performer is neither schizophrenic nor an orchestra -- though it is slightly lo-fi (there is some tape hiss present).  The song's meandering melody is okay, reminiscent of John Lennon.  The melody takes a disastrous turn at 0:37, attempting to change key.  Then it sort of dies.  More lame crap from the Internet.  Download it at:  http://www.mp3.com/lofi

Jimmie R. Vestal - "That's All Right" - There's a good reason why karaoke is performed as a joke, often while drunk.  Mr. Vestal's song sounds like a generic-ified 50's number, complete with weird backup vocals and annoying fake-sounding drums.  It's a good thing that this song appears solely on a 45 rpm record -- that way only indie rock teens will be able to listen to it.  Listen to it (RealAudio) at: http://www.musicwish.com/ra/That'sAllRight.ram

Jimmie R. Vestal - "My Precious Love" - I was so down on this guy's first song, I had to review the b-side.  Okay, let's look at this song from a completely objective perspective:  there's a heavy vocal effect which makes it sound vaguely 50's, the backing track sounds (again) like a cheap MIDI demo, and the whole thing is extremely repetitive.  Sounds like a winner to me. Listen to it (RealAudio) at:  http://www.musicwish.com/ra/precious.ram

[Butch has grown old and jaded, and has no interest in new talent; as he has, to date, heard over 3,175,002  bands.  Send your MP3 links to butch@edfurniture.com and he will review them for you. Keep in mind that the opinions expressed in his column are not necessarily relevant, or at all truthful.  Butch is, for all practical purposes, a crotchety, incoherent old man, and doesn't even bother to listen to most of the MP3's that are sent to him.  We keep him around because he was here when we moved into our office space. It is rumored that he has occupied our hallway since 1902, and steadfastly refuses to leave the premises.]

Staff:
Ed Furniture - Publisher, Editor
Bart Tharner - Modern Rock Anthropologist, Cultural Studies
Wee Thomas - Comics
Dr. Lloyd Miller - Art Critic
John Silverman - Female Studies
Carl King  - Ad Sales
W. Spoon - Photographer
Eric - Letters To His Big Brother, Brian
Bert Renswick  - Tour-Advice Columnist
Chad "Campy" VanCampen - Band Reviews
Captain Coppertop - Haiku
Tim Firkus - Celebrity Interviews
Butch - MP3 Reviews
Hoohan - Comics

Contributors:
Steve Scholls
Ernest Anvoy
The Garbage Man

Design:
Ed Furniture &
Mr. Chewbode "I don't understand any of those cartoons except for The Owl."

Created with Napkins, Pens, Anxiety, some IBM's, and Netscape Composer v. 4.51.
Sorry, we do NOT believe in sharing the wealth; don't send a resume, we'll just laugh at it.

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Circulation:
"It's like a thing that goes around in a circle, or something like that, right?  No, wait...I think that's it, though...no, it's like blood or something...is that the thing were guys sit around in a circle and have fun with each other?"

Published Monthly, alright?